What does it mean 'to trust?'
I don't mean that kind of trust we feel when we know someone will uphold their vow.
Though, of course that is an element of trust that I value in my life.
I mean in a deeper sense of the word.
When we say 'I trust'.
What is that? It's not palpable. It can't be seen, or explained. It can't be measured.
For me, in this time of my life, I'm coming to realize more and more what this energy feels like, tastes like, and sounds like to my own ears.
It's feels like grounding. The grounding that makes me feel steady and rooted to the earth when I'm embodying trust.
It feels like warmth. Like an energy welling in my chest that ripples to the rest of my body, bringing pleasant sensations.
It feels like a knowing. That sense of understanding and feeling so deeply that 'everything is as it is meant to be.'
To me, it's a gentle holding of confidence in the universe and in myself, that the process and journey that I am on, is all unfolding for my (and the worlds) greatest good. It sounds floaty and ethereal. And sure, it is. So too does it feel totally true for me.
I trust that right now, I am being given this opportunity to rise to my feminine power of deep love in holding myself. I trust that this is a decision my soul made eons ago. To meet this moment of intensity and to discover again my depth of who I really am at my core - divine light. A light that can't go out, or dim again. That may be obscured by darker energies and emotions that needs to be felt - my own shadow that is made from my light - but that is still divine in it's nature. Though I have this sense of knowing that this light is an eternal flame. My feminine power of holding myself, and others, through the most incredible challenges is how I see past the obscurities, and come to witness my shining radiant light again.
I trust that whatever happens, will happen as it needs to, and will always be an opportunity to step more into myself, my growth, and the evolution that is awaiting me.
I trust that I will be met first by myself. By my own love and tenderness, by my own ability to hold me and to love me fully.
And I trust that from this state of wholeness, I will then be met by my king. To be claimed and held by a masculine presence that sees all of me, without shying away from my flame.
I feel this so strongly right now.
And other times, I don't. In times my mind draws me away from this knowing, I feel a pulling back of my psyche into the past. Ruminating on regrets, could have, should have, memory and pain. Or I feel myself jump ahead to solving, controlling, understanding a future that has not yet happened.
I understand this shadow of my light. For being in a human form, our light does make a shadow. And this shadow self that is wounded, hurt and afraid is valid too.
Which is why I let myself feel that. It's not always easy. It's downright scary and painful. But feeling is key. Being that conduit of energy to flow through me, and holding myself softly and lovingly through that.
I feel through my body, my breath, dancing, moving, writing and sharing. Which is what I've been doing for days now.
It's not a terrible thing that we feel.
It's not something to be worried about that we are in pain, and showing the pain.
It's not something to push away and reject.
It is something to witness and release. To embody and let go. This pain is the sister to pleasure. As dark is the brother to light. All of it is divine. The hard, and easy. The beautiful and painful.
All of it.