I've opened this blog page on my laptop right now as a 'pattern interrupt'
I was scrolling.
Scrolling the socials. My emails. All the online things, with no actual focus or purpose of the scroll, but simply just to scroll.
My body feels tense, on edge, searching for something to make it feel calm & collected.
So I scrolled.
I didn't know I was just then seeking respite in the distractions.
I stopped scrolling momentarily to pick up my phone & scroll my Instagram.
Again - searching.
Alas, the feeling of constriction remained.
The heavy, low vibration.
I returned to my laptop, once more began to scroll and a voice entered:
"what are you searching for?"
Peace. My answer was immediate, palpable.
I just wanted to feel peace.
I realized what I was doing.
I knew that it was up to me to create that peace.
So, here I am.
Expressing, rather than filling up.
Sure, there are times when receiving wisdom, insight, inspiration is beautifully potent to shift something within us.
I mean, you're reading these words right now.
It is beautiful and effective - when they are conscious.
Otherwise, we are operating on autopilot. Trying to find the peace in the few seconds of reading lovely words but not intentionally consuming them, instead just getting those small hits of gratification at the pretty pictures & nice phrases.
But that doesn't fill us up.
Well, I know for me, that leaves me right back where I started, when I'm not consciously interacting with what I'm consuming. Right back to the feeling of unease, loneliness, or whatever was subconsciously driving my scroll.
The scroll for me is different from the mindful receiving of content.
I call it 'The Scroll' because it feels like a 'thing' - like an entity has overcome me to 'be the scroll.' Like my being has become this scroll for soothing, scrolling through life for feeling complete, scrolling through people to 'insert the partner', scrolling through jobs for the safety of stability, scrolling through actions because I 'should'...
This is not intended to put down anyone's way of life. We each have our own paths, and none are more right than others.
But for me, it's always about alignment. (Even when I've forgotten that it is, being stuck in the gratification way of living).
Alignment with the deeper truth within me that knows that there is more to life than to scroll through it in a passive state.
Alignment with the values I have of being a mindful, conscious creator of my reality.
So when I catch myself, like in this moment of scrolling just then, it's not about saying 'that is wrong' but it's about feeling 'where am I not aligned right now?' and THAT is the question that helps me return back to the actions that feel more grounded in clarity, love & peace.
That was to interrupt this pattern, by opening this blank blog post page, and letting what is flowing right now at this moment to pour out of me. (These posts generally feel like a challenging of soul-truth, when I write them).
So, yes, this post is a little more intuitive and abstract.
Though I hope that what I am transmitting to you, reader, is this:
You can stop the scroll - whether that is a scrolling in media, or a scrolling through life.
It's ok when you catch yourself not aligned - you don't need to berate yourself for misalignment in order to get aligned once more.
Meditation, self-reflection, yoga, writing, inner-work are the places to anchor in this ability to catch the moments of not feeling aligned and to anchor into that power to re-create your reality.
Rather than think of the 'right' thing to do, focus on the aligned feeling - where would be alignment for me here? In that moment of scrolling, I knew that my true alignment to my core essence is to be in a space of conscious awareness, & as a creator. When I write, I feel connected to this place. Hence opening up this blank page to write.
I hope you feel into the peace that these words offer, as I have felt writing them.