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Receiving Deep Rest - The Need to Retreat

"So" - he says to me over the phone - "are you excited?"


I’m laying on my bed, after my last day of teaching classes for a few weeks, feeling contentedly tired and enjoying the sound of the rain and my man’s voice in my ear.


"Mmmmmm…" I pause.


On one hand, I’m so excited to be taking time off for me, going on a retreat that I’ve had planned for months now, and travelling to a new place.

On the other hand - which seems much larger than the first hand at the moment - I’m feeling an impending energy of… in that moment, I didn’t know.


I closed my eyes, and with my hand on my womb, I breathed and felt.


This small action has been amazing for my sense of dropping into my intuition and feeling my truth - heart, soul and womb connection - when I need to go inside and bathe in what’s there. And what I found in that moment was nervous energy.


I told ilia that I was Nervous.


Looking deeper, I kew that it wasn’t that I was nervous about the intensity of the retreat, and all that we’d be moving through in the strong Shakti energy in this all-women group of tantric goddesses. I was feeling inspired and excited for that. I’m yearning to be cracked open and for revelations of things unknown to present themselves in this space. I’m so ready to dance in the dark and the light, explore the shadows and the radiance, of my feminine nature. I have full confidence that this experience, led by a potent woman, Nadine of Tantric Alchemy, would be beyond what I can imagine. This retreat was too perfect in how it came into my field...


I won free return airfares from Bali to Thailand earlier in the year. So I put out the request for what was going to be happening in Thailand in the realm of retreats and courses for women based on Tantric philosophy. This retreat was offered to me, and the timing, and the theme (Dance of Shatki, embodying goddess archetypes each day) was powerfully resonant. A few weeks of indecision based on fear of money led me to step out of that scarcity mindset and just book the retreat, and trust that I would have more than enough funds to pay it off, and flourish while I was there. And I find myself in a position where that is totally true. I paid it off, and am feeling very comfortable financially. (SIDE NOTE: I just bought myself a gorgeous delicate necklace to wear during the retreat to absorb the transmissions!)


So what was I nervous about?


I realised as I explained to him (many times I make meaning and arrive to clarity in the process of talking, as is a very feminine way of communicating) that I was nervous because I was feeling the impending energy of what may happen when I finally arrive there, and stopped.


The stop and the rest from years of teaching and offering my own courses, classes, workshops and trainings in my home Bali at the international studio Radiantly Alive. I tried to think when the last time was that I received. Like - really received - and was a student again for more than 2 days. It’s been over 2 years.


Of course I’ve taken time out, travelled over holiday periods back home to spend time with my family… I’ve gone for weekend trips for running races… but have I received in a group setting for more than a few days at a time? No. Have I taken time off from my freelance writing work? Not for 4 years! And for me, who is so geared towards growth and learning in a way that lights my soul and feeds my flame of passion for evolving, this is a sad realization.


Of course I grow and learn through other experiences, especially through teaching and facilitating. This year has been on the most expansive times of my life for me. Though I do know the importance of retreating into an immersive setting, taking time for deep rest away from the outside responsibilities of the outside world, and receiving purely to receive. I'm even offering my own retreat in Bali for women next year! (See the retreats page for the juicy details!)


My teachings in my Self Love workshops, feminine work, and yoga classes focus heavily on this aspect of receiving. You’ll see it in my writing. You’d feel it if you’ve joined me for an experience of what I guide. So it was a tender moment to admit to myself that I had let it be too long for taking time for me.


I let my excuses of having to teach that much and keep writing constantly for money’s sake get in the way. That’s not true. It only felt true because I made it be so. But I know I have the capacity to manifest all that I need when I really choose to. So to be teaching all that time, and not taking specific time away to learn and take a course, training or retreat purely because I felt I financially wasn't able to, is an illusion. I see that now. But it was so real for me then.


There was also an element of being unclear in what it was that I wanted to invest time and energy and resources into for myself, as I was more murky in my mindset on which direction was right for me. I didn't have my womb-listening practice. I was floating through the tide of feeling into other people’s flow - namely my partner at the time - and what he was receiving. My last course experience I did take was a Tony Robbins experience! (He’s an inspiring man, and has some great teaching, and also completely different vibrational energy to where I’m headed now in what feels true to my deepest core and soul yearning.) But I tried it on. I believe trying things on is important in this process too, of refining our message and mission.


I’m grateful for being in the murky waters of confusion for that time. And that did stop me from really being able to make clear decisions for what I’d like to learn, so I let it marinate and took it out of my conscious focus for that 2.5 years, and just continued to teach what kept showing up as inspired and real, and in that, became more and more clear on what I really have to say.


I’m glad I did that, even though it’s a long time to go without retreating. Because in that time I have been slowly evolving in my own way. My experience this year (read through my blog for more) of separating with my previous (and still deeply loved) partner, coming home to myself and my truth, claiming my feminine, and learning to deeply listen to my womb, has propelled me in a direction I only allowed myself to sometimes drift to in my mind in the past. I’ve arrived now at the clarity of feminine expression and women’s work. And I am still opening to how this will look, the flavour of my offerings, and the texture of my teaching.


Side note about LIFE PURPOISE: I donn't think it will ever be like this, either:


I will be a {insert label here} and will do this thing for the rest of my life in this way only!

No way - I know that through my own experience, learnings and life flow, my offerings will morph and change and shift to what is most resonant in my life, and for the context of the world, as time unfolds. I am totally open to refining my mission, and to it being redefined as life continues to flow.


This is the feminine flow!


Gone is the mindset I used to have about FINDING THAT ONE TRUE PURPOSE and STICKING WITH THAT.


Core purpose I believe stays grounded - like the core purpose of LIGHTING WOMEN UP TO THEIR POTENCY AND VIBRANCY - but the way in which this will play out - well, that's a delicious mystery I’m happy to keep as a mystery.

SO - back to why I’m nervous?


I told ilia that I felt nervous because of what may happen when I finally arrived on the island of Koh Phangan (after 2 flights and one boat ride), when I lay down, and my body and heart realised that for the next 10 days I could rest and receive. I felt the impending pausing, and the dissolution of my yang giving energy, and the uncertainty of how that might look.


Would I be able to get back up after laying down? Would I have the energy to fully immerse myself in the potency of this retreat? Would I be able to receive fully, or would I want to just sleep the whole time? After a long time since my last retreat, would I even be able to be in that space? As I landed on the island yesterday, a day before the experience begins, I have had a terrible headache and heavy body. That didn't surprise me at all. Though it doesn’t feel like burn out, as I give myself ample rest in my day-to-day life in Ubud in my teaching, it does feel like a dissolving of energy to rest state, which comes with it some melting of tension.


What was reflected back to me by my wise man was something incredible… he said to me something along these lines:


‘If you were to really slow down, have a little less energy, and be in need of rest, what better space to be in than with a group of women to nourish your soul?’


OH. MY. GODDESS.


Of course.


If I could think of any environment to be in to be able to let go, receive rest, and be nurtured back to vibrancy, it would be in the loving embrace of women bathing deeply in their feminine.


So am I nervous now?


Not one bit. I’m excited... to rest, to feel the energy rise again, and to play. I’m excited to receive. I’m excited to feel and be and retreat and flow.


It’s time.






#deeprest #feminineretreat #danceofshakti #womenswork #womensretreat #baliretreat #receive #opening #feminineflow #claimingfeminine



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