I have a strength in my tenderness right now that my mind is unable to fully comprehend.
These past days, my mornings have brought me two things: immense pain and loss, and also hope.
There cannot not be hope on a new morning, the light is calling for the world to wake up, gently and softly, coaxing the day awake to open up to what possibilities are in the air.
I feel that.
But in the residue of sleep, where my heart and mind is fragile, I am first greeted with a calm and peace, and then sadness enters. The sadness and hurt enter so fully that for a moment I forget how to move, what to do, what life is and what it wants from me. And then, it shifts, it moves through, the more I allow it to, and calm and peace enters again.
My whole days have been like this. But with all emotion.
I am a feeling being - more than I think, talk, rationalise and make sense of the world in any other way. Even though I love my mind and it's ability to interpret the world - that is not my default setting. I feel it. The world within me, the world around me, and the world within others.
So right now, my greatest gift of feeling and sensing and knowing, is also the root of my pain.
I feel and sense and know that something is shifting, and right now, this is what needs to happen, for whatever reason or truth, we need to honour the root of the pain.
But we can't have peace without pain - how would we know what peace is?
We can't have connection without first being alone - how can we appreciate the gifts of another without first knowing life without other?
As I journey through emotion in these days - fluctuating and riding the wave, I am remembering what I must to. Feel it all.
Every single scary sad part of emotion.
My mind wants to work it out. My brain wants to understand. My masculine wants to fix and control. But I stay rooted in my feminine power now. Because feeling it will get me through the feeling. Feeling is the only way.
How to feel the feels without wallowing, tightening, embellishing with extra pain? That is the challenge. It is loving the feeling.
Holding my heart and saying "I see you hurt, I feel you, I love you."
Holding my belly and saying "I know you are seizing up, I know you are in fear. I love you, fear."
And when feeling shifts to something else, as it always does moment to moment, I feel when it shifts to the immense peace and grounding of my truth. Because I have honored my feminine in allowing her to feel every single painful part, she is able to carry me through with love, and she feels trusted enough to stay open. If I closed her, to protect and to blame and to deny, then she would not feel able to be open to life's mysterious unfolding. She would be resisting. But I have honored her. I have let her feel, and not close, so she opens as a gift to me.
Open with the knowing that right now is the only way it could ever be. It could never, ever be different. My mind wants it so, sometimes. Then sometimes it accepts. But this is not my mind's work. This is not my mind's time. This is for my heart. And she is cracked open so fully in pain that all I can feel now is love.
When I let the morning pain pass, when I sit with it, move, yoga, run with it, when I don't deny it and when I even let my mind do it's thing in the process, whilst staying in my body, then the hope enters.
The light washed over me so fully, that I'm bathing in it. Bathing in the light of the world that tells me "I'm no different for you. I feel pain when it is dark. Sometimes peace that I can sleep and rest, but I am no different. I am always here. My light is always shining. My light is always so bright that I can't help but shine it out to others." The light shows me that what I see as light and beauty and 'god' or 'the universe' or 'spirit' - is me.
I am full of that life, and that light.
It's the darkness of our pain that gives way for light.
If we don't close.
If we hold it in our hearts and stay open.
That divinity is here; in pain, in peace.
That we are whole; in pain, in peace.
If we draw upon our feminine fragility in feeling, we realize it was her strength all along.
I'm holding that truth, softly.
I'm bathing in the light of hope, fully.
I send love out to anyone else who is in pain, completely.
And I know, what will be, will be, and I am open.