When someone asks me how I am, I rarely answer with a generic 'good' anymore. Sometimes I'll catch myself saying that habitual answer without thinking, but more often than not, I really try to be true to how I'm feeling.
It's honouring the part of me that is ok not being ok, and owning that. I've learned that I can say 'I'm ok today' without the intense emotional energy of complaining behind it, but said in love and tenderness.
In these past weeks, I've been struck at a loss for words in some moments for an answer... someone asked me how I was, and after a few beats of silence, I realized the answer was 'everything.'
I'm everything right now. Feeling everything. In one moment, strong and empowered, in the blink of an eye, sad and hurt. The next feeling the trickles in is often anger and betrayal, then forgiveness and compassion. Acceptance has been a nice one to feel, though attaching to it and expecting it to stay leads to disappointment.
By the way - this spectrum of emotion often flows through my body in the matter of minutes.
And you? Have you felt this in yourself? The contradictory experience of journeying through intense, very real feeling emotion which morphs into another in an instant?
It's not that they aren't real, or to be trusted. At first I thought that. That I couldn't 'trust my own heart's feeling.' But actually, that is what I trust the most. It's my body and being responding to the changing fluctuations of life.
The impermanence of everything - that is the most real, raw truth. So to feel this emotional fluctuation moment to moment is an indication that we are living IN THE MOMENT and flowing THROUGH IT. The attachment to one state - happy, at peace, acceptance, love - is really attachment to a certain moment in time, and already blocking us from really truly experiencing the vibrancy of life as it enters us.
So this answer - 'everything' - is the best one I can give when the fluctuations are happening so often with such intensity. Sure, we can have days where we are feeling amazing, and the answer will be 'I'm great!' because that is the truth, in that moment.
For me, right now, delving into this new life, way of interacting with the world and myself, in most moments, I am feeling everything. I'm at once holding the hurt in my heart, as well as the peace of acceptance. And right now, I could expect nothing less than this.
Actually, expecting nothing is key.
Time will heal all wounds. That's the platitude that is most often expressed right now.
And in one way, it's true.
Though I'd like to offer a different perspective.
What if there were no 'wound' to heal?
Yes, I am hurt. Yes, my heart was broken. Broken open as I expressed in my previous post. But it is not that it is wounded or sick, in need of 'healing' to get 'better'. I see it more as a need of holding. Wound, to me, sounds like injury. A disability created by something.
I feel enabled, more than anything right now. Enabling myself to discover and uncover more about my patterns, my insecurities, my strength and my beauty. In one way, a broken open heart is a 'freed heart'.
There is less of a healing and becoming whole again, and more of a holding and discovering my wholeness that is already there.
Really, it's all just words. We try to describe, as best we can, the intensity of feeling and the journey of the heart. The best practice I've found through all of this, is beyond words, and through my body. Through dance. Dancing on my own every morning. Dancing in moments of inspiration, and sharing that with the world. Dancing in a crowded group of sweaty, activated, alive people here in Ubud. Dance. Speaking with loved ones and friends, here and far away is also deeply nurturing. I have the best friends and family.
So for me right now, in this post, I am attempting to describe this feeling of my shift of perspective of this time of feeling it all, and allowing myself to be in it.
I'm less interested about time being the thing that heals me, and more about myself being the love source that holds me.
There's no healed place to get to. There's only holding. Holding through this changing texture of life, where moment to moment, something else will offer another opportunity to expand, evolve and live FULLY, OPEN, RADIANTLY.