I can feel her uncertain.
Not quite sure where to go from here.
To continue to open and to dive deeper, or to protect her essence in want of not getting hurt again.
She was hurt before. She hurt when she felt forgotten. When I compromised her by not letting her speak - or rather, not listening to her when she whispered truths that I wasn’t ready to hear. The nudges that asked ’am I safe?’, ‘Am I truly being honoured and seen in this relationship?’
She was met and seen in the capacity that was offered. She was loved, of course. But my sweet heart knew that there was more. There was a deeper layer waiting to be dived into, and she yearned to feel safe in being held so tenderly, while at the same time tightly, so that she knew, without a shadow of a doubt - I am claimed.
So this is the journey I’ve been on.
I didn’t listen to her fully - I was blinded by the beauty of connection and love that was there, even though I sensed there was something not fitting. A match missed. An uncertainty that left me too scared to fully claim her. To fully let her be claimed.
The greatest and hardest thing he did was to let me go. Where in my pain, I couldn’t - wouldn’t - see beyond the beauty of what we created.
Even though I knew it was a beauty where I felt myself as a budding rose. Not yet blossomed. Unable to fully open. Unable to bloom. I knew my potential to be that fully expressed flower, but something was keeping me curling my petals over my own magnificence. At times, she did feel a blooming - she sensed this magic. But she did not live there. It was fleeting, and it was calling for more.
The uncertainty I felt from the person who I opened my heart to. The knowing that we were not on the level I sensed there could be in such a relationship. The truth that I was compromising my heart for moments of depth, rather than fully diving deep and living from there.
When he let me go, he freed her.
And now, I am grateful.
I feel the strength it took. I wasn’t ready to do that myself.
AND then - she opened.
She flourihsed. She bloomed. My petals stretched out like a good morning expansive offering to the world. Claiming her beauty and magnificence. Owning her fragrance of sweetness. Letting herself be seen and felt and adored in the way she always imagined she would be, in her pure and expressed essence.
So I let her open. I claimed her, and listened, I let her speak, paint and dance through me. I let her connect and share and cry.
I protected her when I knew she guided me to, and away from, the energies that she trusted.
AND now, she feels again, a depth.
A depth not only from herself, in claiming herself.
But also another depth in being seen and heard, felt and witnessed, adored and honoured.
That is what is scary.
That she is living open, which means she stays open to the pain. Open to the potential to lose again. To be hurt again. The flux of life, shifts of paths, growth and flow naturally bring with them the potential of endings and loss. She knows this, and she is making the choice.
DO I stay open, even when I am scared?
Do I trust my trust that I feel for this new connection?
Do I risk being let down, where the paths to break away from one another?
DO I allow myself to continue to dive deeper into this delicious presence?
There isn’t a right answer. There isn’t a known outcome. There isn’t a clear path.
There never is and never will be.
Though there can be trust. Trust in that she knows herself. She will speak and be heard when she needs to. She is safe, and she is claimed already. She does not connect now to fill a void. She does not seek to satisfy. She does not love for the exchange of being loved. She is open to experience the purity of connection, intimacy, and the sweet surrender of herself to the mystery of flow and feeling.
So she’ll stay open. Her fragrance stays strong.
Let them breathe the sweetness in.